How to Act Hot

Because, sometimes, you miss a step or two on your own.

You've mastered the look . You've been to the tattoo parlor. Yet, somehow, you are not being mobbed by frantic ladies the minute you step out your door. You may walk the walk, but now it's time to learn how to talk the talk. Or something like that. Pay attention, memorize our advice, print it out, keep it in your wallet, and refer to it often. We're not kidding here.

1. Dance motherfucker. This is so not an option. You have no idea what a deal breaker this is. A dancing boy, one who doesn't care who's watching, is the fucking hottest thing on this planet. Even when flailing and imitating a drowning victim, we are unable to resist a dancing boy. Especially when the dancing boy is wearing worn blue jeans and a wife beater.* Makes our knees melt just thinking about it. Excuse us, we need a moment.

2. Say Anything. The movie. Watch it. Memorize it. BE Lloyd Dobler. Oh my god, please. Chicks dig Lloyd Dobler. And if they don't know who Lloyd Dobler is, they're too young for you anyway.

3. Act indifferent, even though you're clearly not. We realize this is a tricky request, and please be aware that it will take time and practice to pull it off. Try it out on a few acquaintances first, get the feel for it. If you're having trouble grasping the concept, may we suggest you get thee to the nearest IMAX theater near you playing *NSYNC: Bigger Than Live and study Lance? Because here, six stories tall, Lance is the fucking master of cool indifference. Pay special attention to the "I Thought She Knew" portion of the movie. Special attention. For more study materials, the "That's the Way Love Goes" video is a stellar example of fucking hot indifference.

4a. Be decisive. There is no greater turn off than an extended game of "I dunno, what do you want to do?" No greater turn off. Okay, there probably are greater turn-offs, but this is a big one.
4b. As a sub-section to point four, also, do not be afraid of aggression. Okay, we're not talking about pounding-on-your-chest, picking-a-fight-with-the-first-guy-who-makes-you-slop-your-beer type aggression. We're talking make-the-first-move type aggression. Yes, we're cool, sassy, in-control gurls, but we're not going to bite your head off if you make a move. Believe us: if it's unwanted, you'll know it.**

5. Eyeliner. Amy, Amanda and Melynee like the eyeliner. This is completely optional. [Amy: No, it is not.]

6. Be in a band, but choose your position in said band wisely. Guitar players/lead singers get the chicks. Drummers are a close second. Tambourine players get to go home early. [Amy:Then there's me, I dig the bass players. I was just hanging out with an ex, who happens to be a bass player... we had a long involved discussion on why bass players are the best. I think it's due to their non-need for rockstardom and their ability to keep the rhythm. Oh yes.]

7. Be funny. Or rather, witty - a witty boy is much more attractive than one who is always cracking stupid jokes. But don't be above pathetically corny jokes, 'cuz those rock. [Melynee:Um, yes. Puns are good, too. I blame my father.]

*see How To Be Hot

**One might think that points three and four are mutually exclusive. One would be wrong. We're complex. Get used to it.

2001-06-15