20 Questions with Author Jason Pettus

One day, I decided I was bored and needed more things to read on AvantGo on my commute home. Or, at least, more interesting things to read. So, there was this random guy named Jason Pettus and he had a webjournal. I figured, what the hell? If he really sucks, I’ll just delete him tomorrow and that will be that. But not only was he interesting, he was funny. Honest and self-effacing. And obnoxious. He’s said things I don’t agree with and things that I’m glad someone has the nerve to say. Anyway, that first day was many moons ago and I’ve jonesed for my daily voyeuristic fix since.

The Jason Pettus bio? This is what I was able to find on the net: A poet/novelist living in Chicago. In 1997 he was a member of the Chicago Slam Team, which took second place at The National Poetry Slam in Connecticut. His work has been featured, among other places, at The Chicago Museum of Contemporary Art, National Public Radio, and the Canadian Broadcasting Network. (most of that stolen from freshpoetry.com.)

He was up for a challenge and eiddy was especially random. I filled in the gaps. Here we go:

1. You're going to a concert and desperately want to get backstage. Hooch it up, baby, and tell us how.

Well, first I'd check to see if I've actually slept with the musician in question - that would probably make it easier to get backstage. Barring that, I'd probably pull a wacky, "Scooby-Doo" type caper - you know, dress up in my finest bellhop outfit, run down the hallway and yell "ROOM SERVICE!" at the top of my lungs. Zoinks!

2. Would you ever rhyme "like" with "like" in a poem?

I would, and I will:

A HAIKU FOR POPGURLS
Gee, I really like
The way you all have, um, like,
Asked me to do this.

3. Pop is apparently a word that frightens people. What word frightens you?

Ashcroft.

4. Why do comic book heroines always have a bust that puts Barbie to shame? Wouldn't this, hypothetically, get in the way of vanquishing evil? Or is it to distract the piggish villains?

and

5. Along the same vein of thought, why is it always stilettos and black leather for evil, colorful spandex for good? How did leather get this bad rap? Is it because it's dead cow, and dead = bad, bad, bad? Or is it because it just looks cool?

Oh, ladies, you're forgetting about the most kick-ass heroine in the history of time - Emma Peel from "The Avengers." Small bust, AND wore black leather all the time. It just doesn't get any better than that. By the way, what was that movie where the female supervillain shoots bullets out of her bra? Now THERE's a proper use of a large bust in comics.

6. Michael Jackson has his own amusement park. Dolly Parton has Dollyworld. If you had your own amusement park, what would the theme be?

"JasonTown." Every visitor is issued a 40 of malt liquor and a handful of trucker pills when they enter the park. Rides would include "The Out of Control Emotional Breakdown" and "Whack-a-Poet." Best of all, cuddly oversized Jasons would roam the park all day, hitting on random visitors and trying to convince them to have a one-night-stand. Take THAT, EuroDisney.

7. If there is a God in heaven, why in the hell did he create cramps? Was Eve that much of a bitch?

I could make a smartass comment here about Lillith and the cruel, comic irony of the world...but I won't.

8. Run-on sentences: A boon of freedom of expression or a crime against nature that needs to be stopped?

Personally, I like run-on sentences: They make me feel like I'm saying something really important that people should just continue listening to and listening to, or reading or reading, because they think I'm going to make this really astute, profound point at the end that will somehow tie all the loose ends of the universe together, when in reality it's just a crude, shameless plug for my website at www.ilikejason.com.

9. I remember when I was eleven, I was promised a flying car by now in some space-type publication. Where the hell is it?

Dude, you're telling me! Up until the fourth grade, my most serious career ambition was to be an astronaut. I gave it up because I was assured that normal citizens would be able to go into space by the time I was an adult. Remember - when in doubt, blame Reagan.

10. If you were a Backstreet Boy, what would you want "that way?"

I'd want IT that way. I think you know what I'm talking about, ladies.

11. Can you breakdance? Show us the worm.

Unfortunately, I cannot breakdance - the activity became popular right when I got to that fourteen-years-old, "I'm so much above all of you" phase of my life. Now, of course, I can't breakdance because I'm 32 years old and smoke two packs a day. That, and I'd probably dislocate a shoulder or something.

12. Do you also find it strange that in the Kenny Rogers classic "Ruby" he begs her to stay, says he won't be around much longer, reminds her it wasn't him that started that crazy Asian war, then states that if he could move he'd put her in the ground? Anyone else think he was goin' through a rough patch there?

Hey, you know what happens when you play a country record backwards? You get your car back, you get your wife back, you get your dog back. Thank you! I'll be here all week!

13. Potatoes: Quite possibly the world's perfect food. Yes or no?

You know what's even better? Sweet potatoes. Dude, I just made this dish last week that had sweet potatoes, onions, cilantro, cinnamon, allspice and orange juice. It was the best!

14. Boxed potatoes: Quite possibly the world's perfect processed food. Yes or no?

I have to respectfully disagree. Crunchberry cereal is the world's perfect processed food, and always will be, forever and ever, Amen.

15. Would you wear ice around your neck? Would you refer to it as ice? With a straight face?

Well, if you mean frozen water - then probably no. But if you mean stolen diamonds, then yes, I'd definitely wear ice around my neck. I'd not only refer to it as "ice," I'd refer to it as "hot ice."

16. What would be in your own private Idaho?

You ladies are kinda obsessed with potatoes right now, aren't you? Let's see, my own private Idaho would consist of me, my girlfriend Jewel, a thousand iMacs converted into sentient, deadly robots, and the DVD version of the Star Wars Trilogy. Oh, and JasonTown, of course.

17. All my sassy knee-high black boots keep falling down. Which makes me sad, because I look good in sassy knee-high black boots. What should I do?

Write to me at jpettus@hotmail.com and tell me when you're coming to Chicago. I will personally walk around behind you and hold your boots up with my hands. (And if you're really nice, with my teeth.)

18. Name your top five counter-worthy people.

Liz Phair
Katie Couric
Gabrielle from "Xena"
The Olson twins in about five years
Steve Malkmus, former lead singer of Pavement - he can bruise my thighs any day!

19. If you were a boyband member, what would you be known as?

I'd be that one guy in every band with the goatee and the "street cred." Yo, this song's going out to all my homies back in the 'hood. Make sure to catch us on TRL!

20. Here's our list of “how to be hot." What would you add?

I'll add two things, one for men and one for women:

Guys: Let women paint your toenails. It's unbelievable how much most women enjoy this.

Ladies: Learn how to perform really good oral sex. Please, for the love of God, learn how to perform really good oral sex.



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2001-06-30