20 Questions with Djb of Television Without Pity

One fine, boring workday, Michelle came across Mighty Big TV . Mighty Big TV [now known as Television Without Pity], for those of you on another planet, recaps pretty much everything on TV, and does so in a delightfully snarky manner. Her first stop was, of course, the Roswell recaps. And there she fell in love with Djb, the tortured, catless recapper of Roswell. She sent the link to Amanda, who then spent almost twelve hours in one day sitting in front of the computer, getting all caught up.

Why did we, and countless others, eagerly await his recaps more so than the actual show? Besides his hilarious fear of Max's pecs and Liz's use of the letter "k" after her "g"s? May we offer as Exhibit A the "Sexypants" song? Written in honor of Howie D guest-starring as an alien with bad hair, dedicated to Liz and Max, it really should explain it all.

Huzzahs and high fives in copious supply
You are my baby, never gonna make you cry.
'Cause I looooooove you, Sexypants.
Yo yo yo, BSB's so street
I'd like to find a girl who's really, really neat.
'Cause I loooooooove you, sexy sexy sexy pants.

Run run run, we'll run together into the night
There'll be no more anal probe, we'll put up a fight.
They can't keep our love apart, baby
Won't do no gov'ment dance, We'll be warm and be protected, inside a pair of your sexy pants.
'Cause I loooooooove you, sexy sexy sexy pants.

I've loved you like no other, girl
It's always bright and fun.
So let's take that next step, and get real hep
When I blow you down with my love gun.
I've suffered the slings and arrows
Of you playin' with my heart.
I think you're funky and rad and rockin'
And shoot! Girl, you're so smart. Sexypants blah blah blah

Baby, I know you are an alien
But no one said it wouldn't be any fun.
Heal the man and I'll think you're so money
And don't forget to get the blood off of your sexypants, honey!

We submit, as Exhibit B, the answers to our 20 stupid questions.

1. Amy thinks you're a meanie. If you could say one thing to Amy to assure her you're not a total meanie, what would it be?

Awwwww, puppies!

2. *NSYNC: The devil or savior in bedazzled disguise?

Hmmm. Trick question? I would say they're the best of their limited breed (sorry, O-Town!) as far as succeeding in what's important: That being, they kick BSB's ass in record sales and they've successfully convinced their mainstream teen girl audience that they're all, in reality, straighter than a Kansas interstate. Congratulations, boys. But minus points for thinking they're more legit than they are. It killed the Go-Gos, and gosh darn if it won't kill them, too.

3. You're a genius with sassy nicknames. If you had to give Amanda and Michelle nicknames, what would they be?

Liz and Maria.

4. Gun to your head: Roswell continuing on for a 3rd season or Mom-o-gram getting a spin off of her very own and you have to recap it. Which do you choose, and why?

Oh, sweet daddy. What kind of gun is it?

5. Cheetos: God's gift to processed food or the devil's favorite tool of destruction?

Cheetos are awesome, but they have supplanted the industry need for Cheese Doodles, which are far superior in every way along with being hilariously named. Oh, and I hate that fucking cheetah.

6. Ever thought about sending your "Sexypants" song to the people at Jive?

Watch for it in the upcoming "Djb and Nick Carter: Together Again for the Very First Time," soon to be available at fine Walmart outlets near you.

7. Is it easier to recap a show you hate? Or do you like Roswell, and hide it really well?

Watch me now: I hate that show. Fiery heat of a thousand suns blah so forth HATE. I know I'm supposed to have a love/hate relationship with it, but after forty-three episodes, I hate it so much I can't even bother hating it anymore. Honestly, it's just bad TV. On the other hand, Making the Band is a so-bad-it's-good situation which, along with the fact that it's only a half-hour long, makes it a little easier to recap. Twin Peaks was a little easier in the solid early episodes. I don't think it matters if you like the show or not, it's whether you can continue being emotionally invested in it somehow. For churning out six thousand words a week, ambivalence is the scourge of the recapper. Whew. More info than you asked for, you say?

8. Are you saying Billy Joel ISN'T a cheeseball? Have you heard "She's Got a Way?"

Not from the Long Island region, are you? It's. Genetically. Encoded. How many times do I have to say it? And if that's as good an example as you can give me in trying to peg his cheesiest song, you missed that last album of his called Every Song He's Written Since 1983. I mean, really. At least "She's Got a Way" didn't include the lyrics "Rockefeller, Campanella, Communist Bloc" anywhere in it.

9. What exactly is it that you think is bad about professional a cappella music?

Wait. Don't tell me you're a Billy Joel doubter but a professional a cappella apologist. "Listen, if we want to sing a brand of music widely considered gay or otherwise distasteful..." That's from NewsRadio, and it's all that needs to be said. That, and also that there's one professional a cappella gig on the face of the planet, and it's on that Carmen Sandiego show. That's not living.

10. Favorite forgotten 80s band?

XTC.

11. Do you have to own a cat to recap for TWoP?

No. Wait, yes. Wait, I don't own a cat. Did you guys come here to fire me? Damn, that's cold.

12. Tomato: Vegetable or fruit?

Rotten, slimy, sour infector of everything else in my salad. I'm trying to be healthy here and I have to contend with that?

13. Twin Peaks' Bobby vs. King Max in a Celebrity Death Match. Who wins?

The pecs all the way, sadly. I don't let Bobby fight unless he's defending my honor.

14. Wow, Making the Band and Roswell...Whose cat did you kill?

Jacob Underwood's.

15. If you were on Survivor, like on a desert isle, with the characters from Roswell,which one would get eaten first? Would it be all "Lord of the Flies" with a spear? Can we watch?

You just want this spin-off so you can spread war paint all over Jason Behr's chest, and that's fine for you. I will say that it would be encouraging if they were all tossed onto an island and weren't allowed to talk unless they were holding a seashell, though. Particularly considering that Liz would show everyone up being the only one who would be able to correctly pronounce the word "conch" on the first try.

16. If the theorem is true that a million monkeys given a million years pounding on a million typewriters will eventually produce the works of Shakespeare, are the rest of the pages turned into Roswell scripts?

They would be pitches for David E. Kelley's next five shows.

17. What are you going to do when this show gets cancelled? You will have to find some other masochistic pastime, right? Like watching Felicity?

I'll probably spend the rest of my sorry life trying to hunt down those lost, unaired episodes of First Years. Say, you guys don't know anyone in New Zealand, do you?

18. Barbie: Cool toy or dream date? Perhaps both?

Barbie, now as in the 50s, represents womanhood in its most ideal form. Okay, kidding.

19. Why does Cynthia Bergstrom (devil in charge of wardrobe for Buffy) hate us? And what does she have against hats?

I know. In the episode where Willow does the mindwalk with Buffy, my roommates and I took one look at that green turtleneck and flannel shirt and were like, "Wow. If Willow wasn't out before, she sure as hell is now." And hats? I don't know. Maybe she's afraid of the cast being mistaken for someone from the cast of Blossom.


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2001-05-01