And you thought it was just a movie with cute boys in it.
There is a whole wealth of information hidden in this movie, for those who take the time to look. And because we here at PopGurls are all about generosity and selflessness, we are here to let those of you who haven’t seen it as many many, many times as we have in on a few of these crucial, sublimated messages that Mr. Bass and Co. are trying to foist upon an unsuspecting public.
You can thank us later.
Forget about the “proof” of Lance’s het status as demonstrated by the number of times Kevin and Abbey very unfortunately kiss. Here are the On the Line stats that really matter, and what they should mean to the viewing public.
One Plot is Never Enough
Apparently, the audience of today – raised on a quick-cut culture of MTV and video games – suffers from a sort of collective ADD. We need lots of stuff! Happening! All the time! Stick us with one plain, simple, boy-meets-girl storyline, and we get bored and wander off in search of candy, or a magazine. So, instead of just watching Kevin and Abbey find and lose and find each other, we were treated to a smorgasbord of subplots including, but not limited to:
- Nathan’s (Jerry Stiller) baseball, and its mysterious origins.
- Lucille, the Temperamental Copier, who plays a crucial role in the resolution of
- Jackie (Tamala Jones) The Bitch and the Reebok account.
- Brady Frances (Dan Montgomery Jr.) and his Plot for Vengeance.
- Rod’s (Joey Fatone) dream of a career in the music business, including Mr. Deus Ex Machina in the form of The Mick (Richie Sambora).
And of course
- The Injured Julie (Amanda Foreman) and Her Dysfunctional Relationship with aforementioned Brady Frances.
But wait! There’s more!
Buy, Buy, Buy
Aside from the producers and the studio execs, there’s another whole host of people who are hoping to make some cash from this little flick, and you might recognize a few of their names. The Award for Most Blatant Product Placement goes to…
- Pop Secret
- Cracker Jacks
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Why Lipreading Can Come in Handy
Lance wanted all of his fans to be able to see his movie. A noble thought, dear, but is there a reason you didn’t have this thought until after the whole thing had already been filmed? Hmm? Because the result is some of the most awful over-dubbing we have ever had the misfortune to witness. And who decided which words were objectionable? Really.
- Fuck(ed) we can understand.
Then there’s the second tier, which seems a little less obvious…
- Ass (Let’s just say that half-assing and half-hearting something isn’t really the same.)
But it just seems silly when they’re replacing words like
Then there’s the few “did they or didn’t they” moments:
- On the train, Abbey tells Kevin she’s going to “School. Grad school.” The “grad school” part feels tacked on – were they worried that Kevin would be hitting on some undergrad, or even, *gasp* a high-schooler? Wouldn’t that help them sell tickets to the fantasy-stricken underage Lance-lovin’ fanatics?
- Eric (GQ), after getting off the phone with Kevin – who’d unknowingly given him permission to start their strange little dating service – does a bit of a jig saying “Gonna get some dates, gonna get some dates…” The dubbing here is just awkward and wrong – what were they going for? Ass? Boot-ay? Confusion abounds.
- Rod, while explaining his song, says that he was inspired by Kevin putting himself “on the line” to try to meet the elusive girl. The overdubbing is obvious, but I can’t figure out for the life of me what the hell he actually said, or what they were going for.
- What about the credits, when we get Chris and Justin voiceover, and neither boy’s lips are even moving? Somehow, we don’t think the laughs there are supposed to be coming from the idea that *NSYNC has perfected their ventriloquism skills.
- And in, perhaps, the most bizarre case of over-dubbing in the entire film, there’s the scene near the beginning of the movie, at the bar, where Kevin has just filled his friends in on his disastrous first meeting with Abbey. He’s complaining to Eric, who comforts Kevin by reassuring him that at least they’re the only ones who know that he’s struck out yet again. Eric then turns to the bartender and in voiceover asks for, “Two more, please.” What Eric’s lips say are another matter entirely. “Two beers, please?” “Two shots, please?” “Two margaritas?” Um, the entire scene takes place in a bar. Everyone there is of legal age. We know that Eric’s not ordering another two Cokes, folks. YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE.
Kevin the Clotheshorse
Ok. The color was bad when we attempted to compile this list, so the exact shades may be slightly off here, but we counted at least Nine. Separate. Ties.
- Lavender/blue with black stripe
- Black argyle
- Tan with black stripe
- Orange stripe
- Solid black
- Pale grey and white shaded
And, y’know, at least three others. Green. Maybe purple. And they match his shirts! Exactly! We understand that, for guys in the corporate world, ties are the one place you’re allowed to show off a bit. And we hate to sound like we’re stereotyping or anything, here, but the only other straight guy we know who pays this much attention to what he’s wearing is, well, Ricky Martin.