Michelle: Okay, so we can’t really explain it, and I, for one, used to hate it, but Amy and I are addicted to Grease 2.
Amy: Oh, but I loved it from the first moment I saw it, I did. I think over the course of 1983, I watched that movie over 300 times. My cousin and I were actually banned from playing it in my aunt’s house, so we went to another relative’s place to catch the next showing on HBO. We would play “Grease 2” all the time. I wanted to be Paulette – at age 9. I don’t want to think about what that means. Anyway…
Michelle: Yes, yes, Grease is by far the superior product. We’re not really going to argue with you on that one. But there is something so uplifting, something so toe-tappingly spectacular about a roomful of people way too old to be teenagers, playing teenagers, chasing each other around a classroom asking “Where does the pollen go?” that it can’t be ignored.
At least for me there is. Also, there’s Michelle Pfeiffer on a ladder, and I don’t think many people will argue with me on there being no wrong there. Okay, except for her wardrobe. But! She was a greaser…I think. Were they still greasers? Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that she was a greaser. A greaser with a mean, pink bowling ball and a severe driving impediment. And really, really sad friends. How the hell did those girls “Rule the school?” Oh, Pink Ladies, how you’ve fallen since the graduation of Rizzo and Marti! Neither one of those hot chicks would have turned down a man seducing them with “Let’s do it for our country, our parents want us tooooooooooooooo!” You should feel deep shame at your total lameness. He had bandages and everything!
Amy: Though, one must admit that they had the pledge down pretty damn good. This was a favourite of my friends, we’d all get up and do the dramatic hand motions as we’d chant along with the sanitized versions of Rizzo’s crew.
The Pink Ladies Pledge Is:
To Act Cool.
To Look Cool.
And to Beeeee Cool.
Til’ Death Do Us Part –
And yes, I did that from memory.
Michelle: Oh, yes, very cool. I totally agree. Problem being, of course, that they weren’t cool.
But, all of this and more aside, it’s a classic! It’s choppy, non-linear, completely incoherent and the “hot” foreign exchange boy is a total dud, (you know casting has gone horribly, horribly awry when your hero can’t even pull off a gold leather biker outfit) it’s everything I love about bad movies, and more! So, if you can’t stand it, perhaps you haven’t learned how to watch it. You have to force yourself to keep an open mind, and search for the small nuances in the performances Ahahahahahahahahaha that make this movie the treasure that it is. This takes practice and an ability to ignore the inherent lameness of a head T-Bird who has parents that invite his principal over for dinner. But first, a few tips to help you make it through the actual film.
- We suggest watching it a few times before really trying to appreciate it. It takes away the shock of the complete horridness and allows you to concentrate on the more important things at hand. Like the hair. And the lyrics.
- It’s best if you imagine this being set in an alternate universe than the original Grease. It’s really the only logical way to explain how the T-Birds and Pink Ladies went from kick-ass to lamer-than-that-nerd-that-gets-the-whip-cream-pie-on-his-puss-in-Grease.
- Ignore Frenchie. She is a confusing anomaly. If *NSYNC ever makes a Grease 3, I can only hope she shows up for a cameo. You know, for consistency’s sake. She could need another Chem credit or something.
- Have your remote handy. You will need it to make the movie watchable. Suggested parts to watch on FF are: the “seductive” straddling of the mystery stud by Miss Pfeiffer while tooling down the road on his bitchin’ ride. The ensuing “tender” scene at the gas station. “Charades” – Michael’s really awful song about how painful it is to not tell his ladylove that he’s the mysterious boy for whom her loins ache. Pretty much everything from the “talent” show on. Oh, but remember to hit “play” when it gets to the dream sequence. Dear lord, you can’t miss that. “But I can’t find you… It’s not fair!” Ahhahahahahaha!
Scenes you will need your rewind button for, as they take more than one viewing:
- The aforementioned dream sequence. It’s so horrid, it’s good. Turn back. Woah-oh, turn back, woah-oh, turn back, the hands of tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime.
- For me, “Reproduction” is a highlight. Hopefully it’s one for you, too.
- “Let’s Bowl!” There’s dancing! There’s bowling! There’s lame sexual jokes… how can it be wrong? Trust us. Not to be missed.
- “Goin’ Prowlin’” – The T-Birds’ “bad ass” song which has such deep, probing lyrics as: I like a girl who’s really smart – provided that she’s really stacked.
[Note: Michelle cannot stand behind this choice. Not at all. But she’s fairly certain Amy can’t stand behind her choice of the dream sequence, so we’re even.]
- Two Words: “Cool Rider.” Hot Damn.
Armed with these handy tips, you can now concentrate on the deeper meaning of Grease 2. Sure, on the surface it’s your typical “Boy’s a geek who somehow manages to be unsexy with an accent and meets a girl who doesn’t like him due to the fact that he’s a geek and really, all she’s looking for is a devil in skin tight leather” love story. If you want to be shallow about it. However, peeling back the layers *, we see that it’s actually about so much more. Unrequited love, natch. The shallowness of the teenage girl. The price one pays for popularity—so loved by all, yet so very, very alone. How a badass bike and some cheap leather can make anyone cool. The confusion war throws young people into! And how it can and cannot be used to get you laid!
And it dares to touch on subjects long left as taboo by all but the most daring After School Specials. Such topics as “Can I still be a kick ass pink lady and remain a virgin?” The answer, btw, would be a rather vocal NO and “My ex-boyfriend is a scrawny, obsessive little Italian guy and he’s following me around school! What do I do?” are boldly tackled while the movie also manages to touch on such timely issues as: the import of bowling on young peoples’ psyches, and the trials and tribulations of women trying to find their way in a man’s world by fighting for the right to define themselves by more than just who’s Harley they park their little behinds upon. As Stephanie so eloquently put it “I can kiss whoever I want. I can kiss the next guy that walks in here.”
You go girl.
*If you are unaware that you are entering tongue-in-cheek-land, please go lash yourself 30 times with a wet noodle. Thank you. I would, but I’m busy. Your understanding is appreciated. We’re going on the honor system here guys, don’t disappoint me.