It’s not as easy as one might think, being a connoisseur of girlie drinks. In the bar scene, especially when most of your friends and acquaintances are the people behind the bar and despise making the drinks, it is sort of the equivalent of being an adult *NSYNC fan, prepare to be mocked. Also, forget about the basic girlie drinks when you date a bartender, ordering a pina colada is a mortal sin. Because, in case you didn’t know, real bartenders hate those fucking things. Anything blended is the devil. This also rules out daiquiris and margaritas that don’t make me want to gag. due to a bad experience, the mere smell of a margarita on the rocks makes me convulse in an entirely unpleasant manner. So, sometimes, creativity is required. And my friends are always happy to experiment on me, with mixed results. Ever had a cement mixer shot? No? Well get thee to your nearest watering hole and try it out.
Hey, if I had to go through it, so do you.
But it’s not all curdling Bailey’s and bad margaritas. Sometimes, experimentation can be fun.
Pop Rocks Martini
Take, for instance, Pop Rock Martinis. As disturbing as they sound, they’re kind of fun. Martinis, as a rule, are not a drink I tend to find even remotely palatable. Generally I liken drinking one of these to chugging nail polish remover or gasoline. With the added fright factor of Pop Rocks, I can now liken it to chugging nail polish remover with dangerous bits of candy exploding around the kitchen. Hence, the fun factor. The larger chunks of Pop Rocks, it seems, have a slightly volatile reaction when they hit the alcohol. If you’re easily amused, this can keep you entertained for quite awhile. They don’t do much to disguise the taste of the alcohol, at first, which is a requirement of any good girlie drink. However, if you allow it to sit for an hour, the Pop Rocks dissolve, it takes on a lovely muddified hue, and the gasoline after-taste is almost hidden.
I give it 3 stars out of 5, due to time required for the Pop Rocks to work their magic and you can still taste the alcohol.
I have no idea why this works because, really, it shouldn’t be good at all. Look at the ingredients, for god’s sake. These should not blend. It’s a bizarre mix of Dr. Pepper, milk, Stoli vanilla and Kalhua. Somehow, when you mix this all together, it comes out tasting like a vanilla latte. A rather good vanilla latte. I will admit to feelings of slight terror when I first tried it out, though. I thought the bartender was getting back at me for the dent in his shins.
5 stars out of 5. It’s simple and it doesn’t make me sick.
(The aforementioned) Cement Mixer
This one is simple, and not recommended at all, unless you’re looking to pull a really evil prank on someone. It’s just a shot of baileys, but right before you take the shot you squeeze lemon into it. Inside your mouth, the Baileys curdles instantly. It has got to be one of the most disgusting sensations I have ever felt in my life.
0 out of 5, and make sure to kick the crap out of whoever made you do it.
This isn’t what he called it last night, but I can’t remember what he called it last night, and for some reason I want to keep calling it an Alabama Slammer, even though it doesn’t have any gin in it. So the name is subject to change. It’s better than kool-aid. It’s cranberry juice, pineapple juice, orange juice, Malibu rum, Stoli raspberry and, I think, triple sec. My mind is a little fuzzy. Ha. Yeah, a little. Excellent drink, the alcohol taste is non-existent.
5 out of 5, LP done good.
Got drinks? Send us your favorite, off-the-wall girlie drinks to email@example.com. If they’re safe, we’ll try them. If not, we’ll send the dogs after you.